


the art of a burrito

by kagehime17



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Burritos, Friendship, M/M, Male Friendship, Picasso, crackfic, seriously this is a crackfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-30
Updated: 2013-09-30
Packaged: 2017-12-28 01:19:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/985945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kagehime17/pseuds/kagehime17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I seriously had nothing better to do, I started on this at like 12:45 ish, and then ended finally at 2:09. <br/>I am actually proud of this. John is visiting Dave's apartment, and Dave decided to give John a burrito than can "defy the laws of friendship" and somehow, Picasso may be involved in his explanation of the burrito's sheer awesomeness.</p><p> Its just for fun, John may be more of an asshole than usual, but come on dudes I wrote this in the middle of the night. I did my best. </p><p>Now enjoyyy as I get my beauty sleep! </p><p>Dedicated to my amiga who fell asleep an hour ago and read the first half as I copy and pasted it on Skype and thought it was comedy gold, and in my sleepless stupor I thought so too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the art of a burrito

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my amiga alex](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+amiga+alex), [me myslef and iiiiiiiii](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=me+myslef+and+iiiiiiiii).



> Dedicated to my amiga who fell asleep an hour ago and read the first half as I copy and pasted it on Skype and thought it was comedy gold, and in my sleepless stupor I thought so too.
> 
> Alex I luv you
> 
> This is a crack fic I guess?? It's just for laughs just for fun, so some things may not be so Dave or John like but hey I wrote this in the middle of the night so I think I did okay

"Wait Dave I don't understand."

"What Egbert what don't you understand?"

I stood at the counter of the Strider man loft (or whatever they called it… weirdos) where Dave was making something important. So important, that it can defy the laws of friendship.

"So what are you making?" I asked again. Dave faced away from me, and used his cheating ability of… what was it again? Flash stepping? It was out of that one anime Bleach. So unoriginal Strider. But he used his flash stepping technique so when he retrieved something, it was for a split second, so I couldn't tell what he was hiding. Damn.

"Egbert, like I said, it is so amazing it can define _the law of friendship_. You know what that _fucking means?_ " Dave turned his head around, tsking.

"Does it look like I give a shit whether or not it is magical dude? No." I huffed, I was done with this none sense. I walked over to Bro's room, or aka living room, and sat on the couch as I watched some show about a dead celebrity.

By the time Dave walked over to were I was with a tray full of something, I knew everything there was about Patrick Swayze. Holy shit he looked good back then. In a no homo way of course. Dave sat down next to me, and I noticed that on the tray were different plates and bowls of different sizes, all covered in aluminum foil. A nice smell came from these things as I realized it was some form of food.

"John look at me. Now, look at my crotch. Okay I see you looking at my covered lap. You see this tray? Well on this tray is something magical. So perfect it will make Picasso shit paint out of his ass and call it a master piece. So awesome that a crazed chinchilla-"

"Dave please stop and tell me what the fuck are you talking about." I cut him off.

He pretended to look hurt as he replied, "Oh John now I'm all butt hurt like a girl who got dumped on prom night because she got pasta sauce on her dress that looked like a cow-"

"DAVE!"

"Okay okay sheesh." he shook his head, as the blond began peeling off the aluminum, as a bowls and plates of refried beans, rice, chopped tomatoes, grilled bell peppers and onions, and nice strips of beef were revealed.

"Dude." I wondered out loud, my eyes wide, "wha- what is this?" I eyed the bowls and plates hungrily, since breakfast was a long, long time ago. (four hours ago and damn Doritos isn't enough for you, you know?)

"We are making us some motherfukin' burritos bitch." Dave smirked, as he pulled out a container of guacamole and sour cream. "Got me some guac, sour cream, here's some cheese, and a heapin' plate of flour tortillas. Carne asada burrito John is something that god made when he had nothing better to do. Viva la burrita Egbert."

"You successfully butchered Spanish Dave, Congrats."

"Don't be so snarky with me young lady." Dave wagged his finger. "Or no burrito for you John."

I pouted as I apologized, "Sorry Dave. But it looks pretty good."

"Damn right." he nodded, and gave a plate to me, and another for himself.

"John."

"Yeah Dave?"

"John."

"Yes?"

"Jooooooohnnnnnnn."

"What!?" I snapped.

"Watch me as I make this master piece, Senpai needs to be fucking noticed for these sick burrito making moves." he whipped out a tortilla, as he then looked at me.

"John. I am master burrito senpai. I shall teach you the ways of making… the burrito."

"Wait what Dave-"

"Shhhhhhhhh." he shushed me with great urgency. "Master burrito senpai needs you to pay attention young burrito padawan."

He got out a spoon as he took a nice spoonful of the refried beans. "Step one. Refried beans. It is like the glue that holds us all together like the power of friendship young padawan. It holds the rice and shit in all one place it's fucking useful. Now, spread it. Spread it like this- see how I use the the other side of the spoon? And don't layer it on too thick, because then it will be all stuffed and shit, and you can't wrap it and your burrito will be a failure."

His gaze was that of a strict teacher, staring at me with watchful eyes. Oh god why can't i just eat the burrito?

"Spread it like that John… good good. Oh. No. No John stop. John stop it YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG EGBERT STOP!" he snatched my spoon away, glaring distastefully at my tortilla, and the way I smeared the refried beans onto it.

"You are treating the burrito badly you monster!" he took my plate away, and swirled the spoon around the tortilla a few times until he deemed it satisfactory to his high bean spreading standards, and hesitated before returning the damn plate to me.

"Dave seriously why can't I just make-" he innterupted me again with his wagging finger, and I really wished he would stop doing that.

"Next! Is the rice. Don't fuck this up Egbert! Watch as I carefully shake the spoon, lowering the rice onto the beans. It's like snow falling on a village. Why Jack Frost must be shitting himself looking at this, he would say it reminds him of a lush landscape filled with hot frost chicks and snow men." he 'expertly' covered the beans layer with a blanket of rice. Dave nodded for me to try.

God damn.

I tried, and this time I only got a gasp and a pained look from Strider. I was proud of this accomplishment.

So we went along with the lesson, as he showed me how to add the perfect amount of the carne asada, the grilled veggies, adding the dallops of guacamole and sour cream, (he slapped my hand away proclaiming that I am a disgrace to all Mexican food lovers) micro managing the entire process until alas, I added the cheese and folded up the "beef and flour tortilla's lovechild" and created the master piece.

Dave held his wrapped meal tenderly in his hands, of what he called his "burrito that can defy the law of friendship" gazing lovingly at his creation. I swear I thought he kissed it.

For me I held a less than perfect burrito, but I was too fucking hungry to care if it wasen't the perfection of " making Picasso shit out paint making a masterpiece" or whatever that numbnuts said.

"Ready to eat this art piece bro?" he smiled, a genuine smile, and for a moment I was flabbergasted by the sheer thought of the fact that this was the first time Dave Strider had fully smiled in my presence. I don't know whether to be butt hurt or not by that fact that it was a burrito that caused such a dazzling smile instead of me, his best bro, visiting him all the way out from Washington.

Putting those thoughts aside, I nodded eagerly. "Let's do it."

And damn.

That burrito was the best thing I ever tasted. It was singing in my mouth, so angelic like a mixture of Fergie and Jesus.

Dave was right.

It was an art piece.

But it wasen't that amazing or important that it can defy the law of friendship.

Cause that is so stupid.

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> DISCAILMER: I don't own Homestuck. 
> 
> you can find this story on my wattpad : http://www.wattpad.com/story/8674724-the-art-of-the-burrito-a-johndave-fic
> 
> I will probably post this on my tumblr sometime soon under the user ectomintycocoa, so if you see it on there its me!!!!
> 
> Now I'm going to sleep. Good night.


End file.
